Sometimes interactions with certain people make me unsure of myself. This weekend I had a few of those. My husband helped put on a conference with some incredible authors; none of whom I had heard of, but all very interesting none the less. I attended a couple of events with him and could not help feeling a little bit out of my element. For the first time in a long time I could not think of anything to say to these people. Usually I am good at small talk. Getting people to open up and be chatty isn't something I struggle with. But I struggled at these events. Maybe it was because they all were really smart. Maybe it was because they were all huddled around in tight groups drinking wine. Or maybe it was because I didn't have anything in common with any of them! I have never been one to truly have a sense of belonging, but there is nothing like being in a room of Phd grad students and professors to really make me feel set apart.
In truth it wasn't all that bad. Other than some socially awkward moments (which shall not be discussed here) things were fine. However, late last night, after leaving one of the events, I laid in bed wondering if I was good enough. Do I seem silly around these people? Am I someone that my husband would feel proud to have around his friends? Am I sophisticated enough to be friends with these people? It has been a long time since I have felt that way and it didn't feel good. Insecurities that I thought I had left in high school might always lurk around my life.
Last night I didn't come to any earth shattering conclusions, but did have a great conversation with my husband who assured me that I could be a sophisticated Phd student if I wanted to. I have all the skills and abilities, but am strongly lacking in any form of desire. And it is true. I am happy with who I am right now and what my life is about. Maybe one day I will get a Phd or maybe I won't. I have great friends and family who know me and respect me for who I am. I also am blessed with an amazing husband who loves me because of who I am.
What is better than that?
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