Is it worth it?

I don't want to do two spring related posts in a row, but it is hard not to when birds are tweeting outside my window and the sun is beaming in. It almost makes up for the fact that I got one less hour of sleep last night :)

I would like to begin this post with a question. Is grad school worth it?
This is a question I have gone back and forth on in the past couple years. I have to admit that more often than not, I think it isn't worth it. It isn't worth the endless hours of work that my husband has to do. It isn't worth him taking ONE day off in the past three months (that includes weekends). It isn't worth the endless pressure and stress that he is constantly under.
Or is it?
This is definetely one of those situations where in five years we will have a much better idea of if it was worth it or not. Unfortunately, while in the midst of it, it is really hard to see outside of this endlessness.
I guess we will find out in the days, months, and years to come!

Spring?

It is finally March and I couldn't be happier! Although this winter was warmer then last winter it hit me harder this year somehow. I miss warm sunshine. Not the weak sun with the blasting cold wind that seems to be all to common around here. I miss taking walks around the neighborhood soaking up warmth.
But, it seems that Spring is on its way! Birds have started tentatively tweeting, a bunny has been spotted in the grassy area by our apartment (although he only comes out at night, which seems odd) and it is supposed to be 60 degrees in a couple days (I have my doubts about that one, but hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised:). What I am anxiously waiting for are the little weedy flowers that start sprouting up as a first sign of spring. So far, there is not a green thing in sight, but I will keep you updated.
This week is Spring Break. Last year we went to visit our family in New Mexico for Spring Break and I can't help thinking about how nice that was. Unfortunately this year it made more sense for us to just stay put. I keep getting all annoyed that I don't get to take any time off of work, but then I realize that just because my husband is on a university schedule doesn't mean that I am too! To be fair, he doesn't get any time off either. He has papers to write, presentations to prepare, and exams to grade. Poor guy, he is the one who really needs a break. Who ever said grad school was a piece of cake? I am pretty sure no one ever did.  

Worlds

I was going to share a poem with you all today. One that I had written a few years ago and recently found in the deep dark recesses of Facebook. But, I have been thinking lately about how once you put up something on the internet it is no longer yours. All of my words and stories can now be copied and taken by anyone who might stumble across this little blog. Not that the poem I was going to share was worth stealing, but one day if I discovered it posted elsewhere I think my heart would break.
Another thing I have been thinking about is the title of this blog and how I haven't actually been talking about my life as the wife of a grad student. So, maybe I will share a little of what is going on with that now. 
My husband is about to take his Candidacy Exam. What the heck is that? (you may ask) It is the first of two big tests he has to take in his program. His second test will be his Comprehensive Exam, and that will be next Spring and much more of a nightmare than this one. That is the one that everyone really freaks out about. Because if you fail that one you may have another chance to take it, but if not, you are done for.
Back to the test at hand. I have absolute and full confidence that my husband is going to rock it. He is a really brilliant man and has so much knowledge about what he is studying. It is rare to see him not have a good response to a question.
So, his test is this Friday and it is hard watching him stress out about this and worry that he won't pass. Also, I'm not really sure how to help him. I am really good at taking care of him; making sure we have food and our house is (relatively) clean (at the very least in a livable state). I do the laundry every now and then. And I do my best to make sure we have dinner every night :) But, these are not things that help him feel confident and ready to face his professors, who often seem to be out for grad student blood.
This is the part of grad school that no one talks about. How can you help your studious spouse when you spend the majority of your time living a completely non-scholastic life? I feel like we live in three different worlds. I live in one, he lives in another, and we share the third. It is hard for both of us to relate to the other one's world because they are so different. Thankfully we have one world we share together and although that world is usually affected by the stresses and difficulties from the other two worlds, we do have some pretty great times. When I look at other grad student couples, I don't know many and it makes sense why, I imagine them having an easy breezy time. Maybe we just don't know how to handle it yet? Maybe we are not mature enough as a couple to have it all figured out? These are things I wonder. But hopefully as time goes on we get better at this (at life?) and become stronger for it.

Sisters

 **Listen to THIS while you are reading. It will make the experience more enjoyable :)**

I would like to start off this post saying that I am feeling much better. And even though it is snaiting outside (snow-rain-sleet) and the ground is covered in slushy ice, my spirits are much higher than they have been in awhile. Being in the doldrums this past week has made me realize how negative I can be. I also complain a lot. But, instead of focusing on how I can change and improve myself etc. I would like to talk about how wonderful my sister is.
The highlight of my job is g-chatting with her everyday. It is something we started about a year ago when I began working in an office. It is amazing how much it brightens my day. And although I end up complaining to her and tossing negativity her way through the internet, she is always encouraging and empathizes with all my little problems. It is so fun to share recipes, exercise aspirations, and anything else interesting, or not, that is happening in our lives. On the days we don't chat, I miss her terribly.
I cannot emphasize enough how much I love having a sister. I think everyone should have one, and if you don't I hope you have a sisterly friend. As we have gotten older my sister and I have grown closer. I remember we went through a stage when we were young when we really didn't get along. I remember her telling me to get out of her room and me saying no and battles ensuing of me pushing the door open to get in and her pushing it closed to keep me out. I remember that happening a lot. To be honest I thought she was really cool and wanted to hang out in her room, which was also really cool. (I still remember the awesome bedspread and matching curtains that she had. I think my mom might have made them...)
Thankfully that stage passed and when she went off to college she only became cooler. When she would come home for vacations she would always bring me a bunch of teen magazines, tapes she made of songs on the radio, and videos of MTV music videos. Thinking about it now I am amazed at how much time she put into those presents. To a sheltered teen living in China these were my only link to American culture and I read, listened, and watched them over and over again. They made me feel cool.
My sister has always been concerned about me. It is amazing to be cared for by someone who just wants the best for me and wants me to be happy. She really loves me for who I am. That doesn't mean she doesn't see my faults, and, being my sister, she is not afraid to let me know how I can change. She is not afraid to push me. Often, right out of my comfort zone. But, since she is my sister she can get away with it.
There has never been a time in my life when she hasn't been there for me. I can share everything that is going on in my life with her and I always know that she has my back. It is amazing to me how blessed I am to have her as my sister.I feel like I could go on and on about how amazing she is.
My sister is a wonderful person. She is extremely intelligent, kind, and has such a compassionate heart. She inspires me every day with her love and desire for God. She is brave, adventurous, and I can't wait to see what lies ahead for her. I am so honored to be able to walk next to her through this life.
I love you bean.

Sick days

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged. In all honesty I have some great excuses.
Excuse #1) Last week was pretty busy in terms of school work. I had my first paper for class due and also a bunch of reading for class. This class is much more intense than the one I took last semester, that is for sure.
Excuse #2) I have been sick. The kind of sick that drags on and on and morphs from one thing to another. I had a cough then a cold then maybe an ear infection? No, just kidding it is still just a cold. Maybe a cough again? Perhaps something like a sinus infection? No, we will just stick to a cold. But, maybe we will throw in an ear infection just for kicks at the end, we shall see.
So, I think those are pretty good excuses. Also, February is making me depressed. Endless days of chilly weather and mostly dreary days. Snow. Sigh.
In short, I am unmotivated and disheartened.
Hopefully things will perk up soon!

Stuff

So obviously I did not write about the second topic that I mentioned in my last blog. And, unfortunately, I have lost my passion to discuss it. Don't worry it wasn't that interesting, just some heated comments on how Walmart treats their employees. Nothing that anyone hasn't heard before :)
I guess what has been on my mind lately is stuff. As in we have a lot of stuff and I sometimes feel like our little one bedroom apartment is going to explode. Don't get me wrong. We are no where close to being hoarders. Well, maybe book hoarders, but what can you expect with a husband studying comparative literature? I am just really bad at throwing things away. I have this thought, right as I am headed to the trash can, what if I need this and will regret throwing it out? With clothes I especially struggle. And the thing is that I often regret giving clothes away. I still think of a couple sweatshirts that I wish I hadn't and a certain pair of pants that were given to my sister on a whim that I still tear up about on occasion... But, am I living successfully without them? Yes. Do I think of them every day? No. So I think I am okay.
In August we are moving across the street to a two bedroom apartment. My husband and I were ready to move yesterday. The new apartment will be wonderful. First of all, we will be on the third floor. Currently we are on the first floor, sort of sunk down so our patio is below ground level. Which is kind of lame. But, good for squirrels and chipmunks to play in and great for the multitude of spiders that have made it their home. I am excited to have a patio that we can actually go out on. Makes me dream of plants and patio chairs and wine outside in the evening. Also, two bedrooms. Need I say more? The other day I was surveying our apartment and dreaming of all the closet space we will have next year. Right now things are stuffed here and there and you have to be very careful or an avalanche will come crashing down upon you. The biggest perk, and main reason why we are willing to pinch pennies to have a two bedroom, is that my husband can have an office. Right now his space is a table squished into the corner of our livingroom/dining room/kitchen. This gives him no privacy to work. Which is important when you are in grad school. He tries to study and I dance around singing in the kitchen while making dinner. I am sure it is very distracting for him. Come to think of it, maybe I should be quieter.
Either way, in six months he will have his own space where he can shut a door and block out my distracting, although amazing, dance moves-singing combinations.(or, which also commenly happens, episodes of Voyager that I watch on my computer while cooking).
The only downside to our new place is the lame kitchen. The one we have now I really love. I love that it opens up into the living room and there is tons of counter space. And we have a dishwasher. It is cozy and cute. Our future kitchen is tiny and narrow, a galley kitchen is what I think they are called. And does not have a dishwasher. Or hardly any counter space. But, we will make it work and get creative.
Also, we will have room to potentially, fingers crossed, get a cat. Which is something I dream of daily and I know would make my life complete. :)
All this to say we have a lot of stuff. But, since we are moving to a bigger place do I really need to go through it and get rid of some of it? I am voting no.

Wanderlust

There are a couple things that I want to write about. So I am going to write about one tonight and one tomorrow. I think I will go for what will probably be the shorter post. (As I say that I realize it actually might not be). Here is a song I welcome you to listen to while you read this post, because it fits my mood exactly Grimes-"Genesis"

I grew up in China. Have I mentioned that to you yet? Either way I moved there when I was six and was there until I graduated high school. This experience has shaped me in so many ways, but the way that is impacting me the most right now is that I seem to have a restlessness about living in the US. According to the internet (hm) the definition of wanderlust is "a strong desire to travel." I get this desire every couple years. I know that I could just pick up and move away without looking back. I know this because I have done it several times. I remember once telling a friend in college that I could just drop out of college and move away without missing anyone. She got really upset about that, probably because it was extremely insensitive of me to say that to a good friend. But it has always been true. The friendships I make, although always very real to me, are, when it comes down to it, expendable. Which is an awful thing to say and makes me sound like an awful person.
Maybe if I give a little background you will understand me better.
Throughout my life I have had to say good bye to so many friends. I would become close to people and then two years later they move away and I would never see them again. You have to understand also that when I say "close" I mean really close. There is something about being the only teen foreigners in city of four million Chinese that forms intense bonds. So you learn how to form those bonds and then say goodbye. And you learn to move on.
I realize now that I have completely strayed from my original topic. Let us redirect this conversation.
Wanderlust; I have it. So, while thinking about this while I was walking to work today a song came on my ipod. One that I would absolutely never listen to in public, but I secretly love. It is one of those dancy Mexican songs that you hear blaring out of a cars in New Mexico all the time. I realized that I don't want to go traveling the world. I want to settle down, but I really don't want it to be here. By here I mean the United States. There are a million reasons why (one of which I will discuss tomorrow). I want to raise my hypothetical children learning Spanish right along side of English. I want to make breads and tortillas from scratch because I can't buy them in a store.
Most desperately I want to do something different. Growing up in China spoiled me. Living a life that is challenging and difficult is what I want. Hiking up seven flights of stairs with ten bags of groceries, biking in freezing rainy weather, not having bread unless it was made in a breadmaker, black olives being a novelty, always being stared at, I think I could go on for a while.
I miss all of those things.